It’s very common for each member of a relationship to feel very differently than the other about how well things are going. The good news? It’s fixable.
When our Stop Your Divorce Now Secrets friends who survived a divorce and saved their marriage tell us stories of how the crisis built up, surprisingly often the conflict is lopsided rather than mutual disagreements. One spouse thinks everything is going fine and is shocked by what seems like a sudden move by the other to threaten ending the relationship, and the other feels like there have been long-standing and serious issues that the other person in some capacity refuses to address. If this sounds anything like what you’re going through, read on! There’s hope for the both of you, no matter which of the two you are closest to–we’ll call them Upset and Obtuse, to make things easy. Bringing a marriage to the brink of divorce is never a sudden thing, and there are always problems that get bigger as time goes on. Whether you’re Upset or Obtuse, you need to recognize that nothing happened immediately, and that either of the people in that situation can singlehandedly take action to save the marriage.
If you’re Obtuse, this is actually good news for you, as by being here reading this, assuming you went to find it, it shows you are ready to kick things off and put things on track. If your spouse is genuinely upset about something that merely addressing it will solve, recognize that they have been upset for quite some time no matter how new or sudden this is to you, and have an open conversation. Be clear and sincere and express that you love them, but lost perspective and just plain didn’t know how upset the other person was. Talk about the issues at hand and keep in mind at all times that this has been a long time coming despite it taking you by surprise. Be open and encouraging as to assert to your spouse that you love them and want them to be open, direct, and honest with you by rewarding them for doing so.
Unfortunately, relationships and people aren’t simple and sometimes Upset is trying to drive a wedge in the relationship to advance an ulterior motive. If this is the case, don’t give up, and don’t brush it off. If Upset is listing grievances, often mind-bogglingly trivial ones, and giving in and fixing a number of them only makes Upset more upset and scrambling to find more flaws to point out, this may be your situation. You will have to keep your wits about you, and think very hard about your spouse’s personality and the status of your relationship and household to figure out what’s going on. If you can’t, ask yourself what reasons other than issues with you would your spouse have to drive a wedge between you two; what would they, in their view, gain from breaking your relationship? If you still just can’t figure it out, just be blunt. Our survivor friend Steve said, “I finally just asked her why she was doing this. I pointed out clearly was making every effort to make things right–and believe me I put in a lot of effort over a long time, she could not deny this–yet she never seemed happier. In tears, I pleaded for her to be honest with me and herself, and tell me what was really going on. My dear wife’s entire frame sunk, she suddenly became aware of what she was doing. We ended up having a long talk that night, she felt like our love had died down and realized she was trying to make me leave her. Needless to say, we found other ways to bring the spark back once we got that out.”
For you Upsets out there, the big thing to realize is that your spouse, no matter how much they love you, can’t get in your head. Identify and cut out your passive aggressive behaviors immediately; for example being annoyed and acting snippy for hours after taking out the trash for the third time when your spouse has no idea (remember: they can’t read your mind!) what you’re upset about accomplishes nothing. Talk about it and be open, but do so positively. There have been volumes of successful self-help books and manuals gushing about the power of positive thinking, and for a good reason. While many specific theories and systems exist for doing this, the basic idea is simple. Stop focusing on bad things, imperfect things, and things you don’t like and instead show gratitude. Focus on what you like, appreciate when things go right (like when your spouse actually DOES remember to take out that trash!) and overall stop keeping score. When simply being positive can’t solve a problem, positive communication can. Instead of nagging or yelling about what bothers you, or worse resorting to violence (seriously don’t do that, what are we, 12?) come from a place of love and talk about what the issue is from the perspective of how the both of you can overcome it. Basically, stop viewing your spouse as a ball and chain and start viewing them as your friend and lifelong companion!
Much like with what I told Obtuse up there, you may be getting upset about things to advance an ulterior motive without even realizing it. Look deep within yourself. Are you really upset with your spouse, or are you trying to drive them away for some reason? In this case, the power is indeed in your hands, and you hold the keys to saving your marriage if you can root out why you are trying to drive things apart. There are too many reasons to list (or even imagine!) but they often involve really wanting to do something and make their spouse foot the “emotional bill” for it. That is a cruel thing to do even to a total stranger, never mind someone you are married to. Realize what you’re doing, figure out why, and then fix it.
